Color Photograph of Hitler’s Birthday

I think we just entered a Time Warp!

Would Be Assassin Finally Released From Prison…

…after her would-be target finally dies of old age… And no, Sara, the United States government never “declared war” on the left just like it never declared war on North Korea or North Vietnam or Cambodia or Laos or Nicaragua or El Salvador or Grenada or Panama or Iraq or the Taliban… They just kinda don’t do that anymore and unfortunately for you, Sara, you committed your heinous deed before Valium and Prosac became the universal pacifier and dumb-dumb for everyone. That was bad luck, and it was also bad luck that Squeaky Fromme made the cover of TIME instead of you! Condolances. You were both kind of amateurs, you know. Not like Lee Harvey, E. Howard Hunt and the Bush Godfather.

Guest Blog: War On Christmas Debriefing by Bill O’Reilly

 

Long long ago on Judea’s plain, there was this manger, See, and this Christ child born to bless the World with his blood-soaked sarcophagus thirty something years later; only the sarcophagus was empty, See, and the followers of this Christ who call themselves Christians have been celebrating his straw mat birth in the cow town of Bethlehem ever since.

Okay. Now that that has been covered I want to talk straight about Christmas itself, the celebration of lowly births and heavenly rewards. Christians used to whittle themselves Creches, See, with all these necessary figurines: a donkey, a cow, chickens, See, Three Wise Men and camels, a little baby with a bonnet like sunlight, and two parents, See, of the Opposite sex, See, carved out of either willow wood or molded out of clay, to celebrate this Blessed Event. Then, with the advent of the Industrial Revolution, the mining of coal and importation of oranges, traditional Creches soon lost their prominence in Christian homes and have now been replaced with stockings hung up and stuffed with goodies and sparkling vistas of Ali Baba treasures arrayed under sawed-off conifers soaking their stumps in buckets of water and bowing their branches with the weight of glass globes and burning their needle tips with lights…

In other words, See, the Christ child has been losing out to the Druids who were first to worship trees and celebrate the return of the Sun–not The Son! And businessmen who sell things have been making profits on the Christ Story ever since… But the real enemies of Christmas is not our Capitalist system and its vulgus minions who exploit anything that they can get their jobbing hands-upon, but those “falafel salesmen” and “secular humanists” (code names for Jews and democrats) who today want to take Christ completely out of Christmas and just wish you a “Happy Holidays” or “Happy Hanukkah” (not to mention, “Happy Eid” or Happy whatever that Negro Holiday is) instead.

And I say, This is Outrageous!